I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
