I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
