nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
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