my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
