im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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