I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
