running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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