I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
