She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
