Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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