Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
