this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
