Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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