You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
