someone get that fucking seahorse.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
