You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
