What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
