are you so shy because you have an std?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
