Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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