Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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