my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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