somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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