I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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