but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
wanna go halves on a baby?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
