hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
