Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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