Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
