A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
