saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
