i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
