why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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