He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
two words...techno handjob
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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