the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
