How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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