Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
