yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
