you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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