His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
