I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
