i just had sex bonerless
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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