she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
