Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
