please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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