Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
