good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
