Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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