fuck your aforementioned shoe
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
