remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
