There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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