You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
