Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
