Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She bit a glass in half.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Everclear isn't food dammit
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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