he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
